05.13.08 :: 2:05 pm

it's been incredibly hard to write about this in any real and honest way because the sadness Winnie makes me feel inside has been indelible.

let's see... it's 2:05 and Winnie has been talking about herself and her life for going on... oh... FOUR HOURS. I think right now she's yammering on about the misbegotten, tragic soul who is currently dating her. I can't be sure. It all sounds like tinnitus at this point.

I've started openly ignoring her whenever she speaks. She takes a breath, I shut off.

Earlier, I could tell this was perplexing her greatly (how could anyone NOT be interested in what she has to say?? That's just CRAZY, right??!) because she made a point of telling me loudly that she forwarded me an already 500-times forwarded email linking to some news story about a dude who fastened a seatbelt around his case of beer instead of his kid.

Fascinating.

I simply said "Yep, people are stupid," and bent my head down which usually indicates that I'm working on something.

And then she went ON AND ON AND ON AND ON about "PRIORITIES, right? He secured his BEER!!! Before his KID!! Isn't that WILD??!" Laughing maniacally in that horse laugh of hers I now hear in my goddamned sleep.

Before that, she asked me if I overheard the phone conversation she just had. Whatthefuck? Really?!
I answered "Nope," and tried to look busier but that only prompted her to tell me ALL ABOUT IT. From the top. Word for word.
It's always all about her, you see.

She is such a waking nightmare.

Make no mistake, she's going to remind us all at least 30 more times before this day is through how she stayed until 9 o'clock last night until someone pats her on the back.
Which fails to impress me and only reinforces my belief that she's not all there and incapable of doing her job in 8 hours like any normal person should.

I've been actively zoning out anything coming out of her mouth that isn't a direct question to me. And if it's a direct question to me, I answer as deadpan and quickly as possible.

I don't give a shit if this makes me appear cold and bitchy.

It is the only way not to engage the beast. You must not ever engage the beast.

This is how it has to be for the next 5+ weeks. If I want to maintain the last, fluttery wisps of my sanity this is how it has to be.

This is how much of a soul-injuring, black hole of a human she is.
You think I exaggerate. You think I live in hyperbole.

No, dear friends.

In the years to come, whenever someone asks me how my year in LA was, all I will be able to remember is her and she will become synonymous, part & parcel with LA and LA'ers in general.

Some will think that it's crap that I've let her get to me so much, but in all my years of living (and hard living at times), never have I encountered a person so utterly devoid of feelings for anyone other than herself.

I don't want her anywhere near me now. I recoil at the thought of her accidentally meeting Ryan for fear she will muddy his aura.

5 days a week, 10 hours a day.

Not once has she asked anyone a question about their lives or about anything personal, really.

She solely exists to hear the sound of her voice.
She is the huge, empty canyon and the echo.
She's the uneasy, vaguely depressed feeling you get when you look at pictures of abandoned hospitals and schoolhouses.
She's a cavity, a sinkhole, a vaccuum.
She's a flesh and blood two-way mirror, only ever seeing herself and reflecting herself.
She is the absolute scariest thing I've ever encountered.

earlier / next