2001-06-11 :: 10:44 p.m.

I think I'm getting sick. And the cats screwing outside isn't helping matters.

My initial gut reaction to "she'd feel uncomfortable if you were at the show," was "good for her," but now that I've had time to think about it, it's okay. i don't have to go. Eventually, she'll get over it, and there'll be plenty of other opportunities for me to see the rock action.

Will I have to be in the same place as her eventually? I'm guessing yes, since she's become their friends. Does this make me feel like an outsider? Oh, you betcha. But there is no room here for acting like a dick. At some point, some social event will happen and everyone will be there and nobody wants assholishness on top of awkwardness. So no assholishness. Not even to her, and I can only hope for the same. This whole being friends with your ex business has me nervous, as I'm very very very wary of girls, especially ex-girlfriend-type-girls, and you know the drill, I'm being a little bit paranoid and defensive because I just feel like the first time I'm someplace where the old gang is, I know it's going to be strange and my instinct is to just put the old guard up, overtime, so I don't feel like I don't belong or that I'm vulnerable to attack, not that anyone's going to attack me, I mean my God, and will someone please tell me why stuff like this keeps me up at night? Should it?

I just want things to be okay right the fuck now, without having to make that first hurdle. I'm impatient sometimes. OK. Always.

But, anyway. This is on my mind right now.

I gotta go make use of my digital cable.

earlier / next