04.12.04 :: 9:51 am

I get so productive when I'm sick. I think hours of lolling in bed, moaning, make me sick of myself, so I totally got my ass in gear and plowed through nine website design ideas for Ruby and her band.

the ex fiance called yesterday. We shot the shit and wished each other a happy anniversary (almost) on a year of being broken up and not hating each other.

And it was a really nice conversation, to tell you the truth. He talked to me about Mr. M and expressed sorrow and bewilderment at his disappearing act.

And he said that he really thinks I'm a changed person (for the better) since we dated. Which means a lot.

And I find I'm no longer bitter about his new relationship; in fact, I'm pretty happy for the guy. He's found something perfect for him and I'm glad. He's a good guy, he deserves it.

I don't know. I suppose I'll feel the same way about Mr. M one day, when he finds what he's looking for.

But why does it hurt more with Mr. M, even though it didn't last even a fraction of the time my ex fiance and I spent together?

It's all so perplexing and weird and it makes me feel funny, like outside of my body, and I find myself waking up in the middle of the night as if from a nightmare, calling out "Mr. M?" in truly psychotic fashion.

"Would you take him back if he said he wanted to be with you?" The ex fiance asked.

"I know he won't." Was my answer.

But that doesn't stop my fool fucking heart from hoping.

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