01.22.05 :: 1:21 pm

woke yp from a really bizarre nightmare in which the girls (Em, Fee, Ruby) and I went to my old apartment that I used to live in with my ex-fiance.

What was upsetting is that the place was exactly as we left it the night we officially broke up and decided to go our separate ways.
Notes that were scribbled, a guitar amp humming, a package of half-eaten saltines, an empty glass, the lights on in the living room and upstairs bedroom.... everything, everything as we left it. Except there was a layer of two year old dust over it all.

And I don't know what we were doing there. Or why I had brought my friends with me. But I went around to each room, just looking at my former belongings and this awful, nauseating feeling of sadness and regret blanketed me.

Downstairs on the kitchen counter, the answering machine was still blinking. I played the message; it was my ex-fiance talking to his mother, their conversation recorded and saved. "Mom, it's awful and I'm leaving. She's awful and I'm leaving."
And then I screamed "LIAR!" And pried the tape out viciously.

The girls were understanding and decided it was a good time to get the hell out of there.
As we were crossng the street, I noticed them walking faster up ahead of me.

And then all of a sudden, I was in the middle of a very long and wide stretch of highway, my friends disappearing dots on the horizon.
I got scared, and I tried to scream, but all that came out was a raspy, wafer-thin whisper.

I woke up crying and when I tried to explain this to Ryan, he asked me why I was so upset and I couldn't. I just couldn't say.

Now this creepy malaise is gonna be with me until I drink myself into oblivion tonight.

And speaking of which, the snow is piling on outside so heavily, I may not even get out of my house until monday.
I miss my boyfriend. He only just left three hours ago. This type of day and this weather makes me think I won't see him again.

I don't know what's wrong with me today.

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