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03.21.02 :: 9:51 am
Watching the videos from My Boy's tour two years ago, it was inevitable that we would see the footage of the fateful "Making Out With Sleazy in a Car Which Subsequently Ushered In the Great Breakup Fiasco of 2000." I thought I'd be okay, you know? I mean, it's 2D, and it was TWO years ago. But something just welled up inside me when I saw the two of them together. It was very hard for me, for whatever reason, to actually be a witness to the precise nanosecond in time that I got cheated on, from 3000 miles away. And it was weird to be a voyeur in that flirtation, to think that I was blissfully unaware in Greece, to think: "that look on his face right there is the exact moment he broke up with me." The one moment in time that was the catalyst for all of last year's emotional insanity. I don't care what anyone says. When I became a witness to something that really devastated me, no matter how long ago, the wounds still feel fresh. And so I cried. I busted out crying while watching them trade gifts and secret smiles on the screen, two years ago. And I got mad that I was so stupid back then. That when he said he had a crush on her, I blew it off. That I didn't grow a spine and tell him to fuck off. I felt so embarrassed that I was humiliated like that. And it was easy to scream "Why?" at him, and just slip back into 2000, breaking up all over again. Whew. I'm tired. Thank God that's over. I mean, we're not broken up, obviously. We're fine. Better, in fact. I needed to see it, and I did, and I got it all out and it's ancient history and I wear his ring now, and possibly, we wouldn't be where we are now if that whole episode didn't happen. I remain firm in my position though, that Sleazy is a total cow. It's neither here nor there, but it boosted my self-esteem nonetheless. And now, onward. |