04.28.04 :: 9:24 am

Fuckola, what exactly is my problem?? I bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked four in rapid succession last night while making a mix CD.

I was doing so well, too. I know she will be mildly disappointed with me since we were quitting buddies.

I just. I can't. I don't know. I'm stressed. I'm gaining weight. I feel unattractive and awkward, like I don't belong in this body. My hair is doing weird things, my brain even weirder...

I just, I don't know.

Everything about my life right now feels scattered and I need a giant life-and-death-sized broom to sweep everything closer to me or something, you know? I don't know.

I have no firm grasp on anything. I'm all floaty, floaty, floaty. I need a lasso around my waist and something to reel me in.

Strangely, and on an unusual up note, I have started forgetting about Mr. M. Slowly, very slowly, it's like we met years ago and the great things about him that I adored are kind of blurred in my head like they're behind a vaseline-covered window.

For this, I am glad.

You know, it really is remarkable how we can have our ittybitty hearts shredded beyond recognition and yet we somehow claw our way upright again.

I have visions of things becoming fair for me very, very soon.

earlier / next