1999-11-03 :: 08:42:20

Green Eyed Angel Boy invited me to his house in Vermont for the weekend. Just me and him.

I think he is fantastic.

Rock Star Ex Boyfriend had a nervous breakdown on Monday night. He said he felt so alone and sad even though he had plenty of girls offering (and actually doing) sexually explicit things to him whenever he wanted. He said none of them felt the same as me or were as wonderful as I am.

This is not a surprise to me. I know I'm a good catch. He has freaked out however. He is conflicted. He tried to kiss me and when I told him he had to leave he was devastated.

One month separation, we agreed. No speaking on the phone, via e-mail, on instant messenger, or droppping by just to say hi. Nothing. Dead silence. If he still feels the same way, well maybe we'll talk about options. But for now, I am enamored of my Green Eyed Angel Boy.

It's funny; a month ago I would've killed just to hear Rock Star Ex Boyfriend say the words "You are the biggest love in my whole world," and when he did say those exact words on Monday, I looked at him and almost felt nothing. It was at once scary and profound.

He said it would never feel as wonderful as it was with me. He said he knows that now. I still told him to go home.

Because it's not fair. The second he thinks I might be really into another guy, he has to fuck it up for me somehow. He is not comfortable with me not loving him anymore. Which makes sense, considering I've loved him for six years.

But if he really does love me and only me, he needs this month to just deal with himself alone. He needs to be honest to all these women he's fooling around with. He needs to be honest with himself.

He said maybe we needed time apart for a long time in order for it to work again.

I said maybe.

My whole life I dreamed of him. He was my best friend, my ideal, my boyfriend, my live-in, my soulmate. He was all these things to me. But he left. And him wanting to kiss me was a sad thing. Because I know how he feels and I know it scares him, the thought of being with one person forever.

So I told him to go home.

And I proceeded to call my Green Eyed Angel Boy. He makes things better. He makes me forget.

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