2001-05-09 :: 1:38 p.m.

Man, I am in so much trouble with my mother right now for not believing in God, it's not even funny. She of her metaphorical clipboard of the path of my life was reviewing it and just spent an entire lunch hour denouncing me as her child if I did not marry in a church or baptize my children and I'm like, "Ma, I don't even have anyone resembling a boyfriend, can we just put the entire wedding on the backburner, please? I mean, call the caterers and tell them to hang on, ok?" And she said "In a crashing plane, there are no atheists," and I'm like "...wha?" and she goes, "There is a God! You have to go to church! You didn't even take communion this year!" And then she catches her breath and wipes the spit forming at the corners of her mouth and goes, "God helps you," and I say "Well, where's my money, then?" and she screams, "He gave you a brain to make the money for yourself," and I say, "Mmm, I'm gonna say not good enough," and then she non-sequitors, "You will get married in a church and baptize your babies," and because I can never just let her have the last word in these religious seizures of hers, I go, "Ma, I'm eloping in Vegas, and my kids will be my ringbearers and flower girls, and I'll email you some pictures," at which point I sealed my fate in the fiery pits of Hell and my mother crossed herself seventeen times in the elevator and glared at me like the big ol' nasty sinner that I am.

I had a turkey sandwich for lunch.

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