2001-03-28 :: 10:24 a.m.

So I've been invited to go to a birthday party in Brooklyn on Friday. Normally, there'd be no question as to whether or not I'd show up.

I know Rock Star Ex's band is playing, and that's not what's holding me back. I am admitting right now that I am not strong enough to show up to a place if his new girlfriend HH is going to be there.

This is so childish. I know. Feel free to yell at me.

I want to go so bad, because I'd love to see the girl I haven't spoken to in months, and after a promising IM session the other night, I thought it would be nice to watch her play and then have some drinks and stuff. I don't know what to do.

I want to be the bigger person, you know? I want to be able to do this for myself, to show up somewhere where I will see them together and have it click in my brain and understand it and accept it.

But I can't.

I am somehow not ready to see them together. I still have this protective bubble around me; I still try to tell myself that she doesn't really matter, she doesn't really matter, she doesn't really exist. And that is so wrong. He loves her, probably. Who knows. Who cares, the point is that I have to be able to dealw ith the two of them together if I can ever hope to regain some kind of normal friendship with him. I would consider bringing Drummer Boy as a buffer, but that's so unfair to Drummer Boy. He didn't ask for any of this.

I hate missing out on good times because of my own insecurities and psychosis. Why can't I just be better?

earlier / next