2001-03-27 :: 11:19 a.m.

I am not going to make this a whine-and-cheese pity party. I just wanted to talk about some of the bothersome flotsam drifting in my head this morning. I'm trying to spring clean my brain. Feel free to skip this entry.

Sometimes,
I wake up and everything is so great. I hum to myself while brushing my teeth, do a butt shake to some good music while getting dressed...

Other times, I wake up and feel so ... lonely.
Which is ridiculous because I'm almost constantly surrounded by people I care about and who rock my world and who think I'm the bee's knees.

It's not easy. Even though in my head I've freed myself from him, there'll be days when my heart acts like it has no idea what my head is talking about. "You're lying. You're just being mean," it will say. "He's not really gone. How could I let that happen? That's absurd. Fuck you."

It's those days that are the hardest to keep my hands away from telephones, and to smother the panicky fluttering in my stomach that comes when I think about him falling in love with HH and really not needing me anymore.

It's days like this that, even though I'm so glad I have Drummer Boy, my brain wanders... to the uncomfortable land of WhatIf? What If he could just put as much effort and enthusiasm into working it out with me like he does with HH? What If he loves her more than he ever loved me? What If we can never be friends again because What If I don't learn how to stop loving him?

And so on. Infinitely. I hate that land. It makes you feel so inadequate.

I want these days to be fewer than they already are. I want them to be nonexistent.

And you know what the worst part is? The worst part is asking myself "How can you love someone so much but want them to suffer what you're suffering too?" Doesn't that mean I don't really love him? Because if I did, I would only want good things for him, right? And in some ways, I do. But I am still jealous. Of her and I shouldn't be, because logic states that the two of us are in completely different realms and stratospheres, so beyond comparing apples and oranges. She's not better, prettier, more talented, and neither am I. We just exist in separate universes.

She's staked her claim, and taken him to her universe. And I'm a satellite, orbiting space, eons away. I feel twelve light years away sometimes. Like we were never together.

He used to be all my stars. I was lucky to have found him. And though I don't need him to light up my sky anymore, it would be nice to look up and see him.

This missing somebody business...seems to be a full-time job. Back of your mind, corner of your thoughts, their ghost kinda just lurks.

Do you ever completely free yourself of a loved one? Even years after they go? Doesn't some part of them always remain? And what do you do with that?

So many questions I don't know the answers to yet. But I suppose I'm doing things the right way. And it's good. I feel pretty good, better than expected.

...God damn twinges, though...

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