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2001-03-22 :: 9:01 p.m.
My previous entry, I want to delete that. I want to so bad because it brought out so many hurtful feelings that I've been wrestling with for the past couple of months. And then she answered. Not sure if I was expecting her, but not 100% surprised. A lot nervous. And there are so many things to say, not all of them could be said, but that we started saying them at all was one step. Towards something better than the silence. And the way I behaved back then, the way that made her feel, when my head was turning itself inside out over him, the way it hurt her is unforgivable. How bad was I? That I couldn't even notice other people around me? Or what I was doing to them? How had I let myself get so damaged over one single person? Miles and miles and miles since then. That girl, that "me", the one I wanted to resuscitate and keep alive and tortured over him for God knows what reason ... that girl is gone now. And I partly owe it to S.T. I know who you are now, you know who I am. She volunteered to stop reading. But there are no secrets here anymore, since the only people I was scared to death would read this already have. He no longer does. And that is okay. She doesn't have to stop if it means we're slowly working on finding our friendship again. These things in here, they would come out eventually, to anyone who's close to me. She spent the time trying to understand my insanity back then and I guess it's only fair that she tries to figure it out in here. Though I doubt there's anything enlightening about Whorenuns, random hookups, and booze. Regardless. What needed to be out there and dealt with has been addressed. I'm not sure of the next step, but we've made a start and that counts big. Ex or no ex, I'd walk down aisles for her any day. This I hope she knows.
this entry gtes a big ol' fucking EDIT right here to just remind myself that I was right all along and that I will never second-guess myself about people. I do NOT apologize for any feelings of mistrust I may have had towards her. This I needed to say in order to forgive MYSELF for being so stupid as to think she actually gave a shit about anyone but herself. |