2001-02-18 :: 22:19:31

I am tired of agonozing about you-know-who and whats-her-name so I won't do it for one whole entry. Seriously. Enough already. How old am I?

Puzzleboy comes back tomorrow really early, like ass-crack of dawn, and even though I promised myself I wouldn't play games or do anything junior-high with this one, I find that I want to see how long he will take to call me. God, I can never just let things be. I said to him that if I wanted to call him I would just pick up the phone and call him and it should be vice versa too and he agreed. But now I'm playing those retarded games again and I just want to scream for someone to make it stop!

Last night was pretty fun. Went to Bar on A with Amanda and Emily and then Photoboy and his roommate showed up and a good time was had by all. I got everyone to start using the phrase "Cue the deer," whenever someone says something really absurd or lame. And I also got everyone to start using "wagon-halt" ("stop the bus" in German) to describe that feeling of profound embarassment for another person. We all experienced wagon-halt last night when a visibly drunk obese girl was hitting on a visibly gay guy and when she leaned in to kiss him, he put his hand on her face and pushed her away.

Ouch. Wagon-halt.

Sigh. Sunday. Boredom steps in.

I'm being good and not watching TV but listening to music instead and maybe, just maybe, I will make a mini-movie starring my dog and practice my editing. Maybe I will read a book.

I will not, under any circumstance, freak out over my age or finding "The One," or Rock Star Ex or any of it. Because it just doesn't matter.

Two nights ago, while out with Foreign Guy and his friends, Denise said to me "I'm having so much fun now that I've adopted your way of life. I am seeing three different guys all in one week! I just want you to know that you're my idol!"


"You're my idol" ?? I was at once startled and scared and speechless. Since when did my torture/crisis/heartbreak become something to aspire to? I don't think I'd necessarily recommend this way of life to anyone trying to get over their ex, but since I don't know what else to do, this is how I behave. It's not cool, it's not the best time, it's really sad... and Denise doesn't really get it yet but she will. It's fun for a while and then it turns on you. I hope it's not too late to stop.

I saw Dirty's (RockStarEx's roommate) girlfriend on the street that same night and I know she saw me but I didn't say hi and I just kept on walking, hoping I looked really happy so she could report that fact to whoever in my old circle of former friends asked, not that they would, of course, but just in case.

things don't have to be this complicated, I'm aware. I'm aware I make things this way. I seem to be powerless to change this fact, however. I'm working on it, I'm working on it.

I don't have next month's rent, in other news. And yet, I feel so detached from this fact, like it really isn't happening. I mean, I'll be temping next week so I'll barely have it covered, but I just don't care. I mean, the worse thing that can happen is I have to move back in with my mother, and, in light of recent events regarding my overall bad luck, I would not be surprised. I don't think I'd bat an eye.

I'm going to make a conscious effort, though, to make sure that doesn't happen. I really can't live with my mother again. that would be he ultimate Wagon-halt.

Something has to give. Something.

He said he wanted to break our pattern of dating for a year and then breaking up. But i liked our little pattern. I liked the securtiy in the knowledge that he'd always be back here with me. That I would be with him once again and even though it was for a year, at least for that year I'd feel safe again and good and comforted. I know I know I know...

cue the deer.

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