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2001-02-17 :: 18:38:27
"i believe that i will be in love with you forever and that is not so you can (or i can) have a safety net. its just plain fact." And what do I do with this? And it doesn't change that he is still with H.H. And still giving it the ol' college try. And still not here with me. And I am still twisting myself, contorting myself to fit in other beds with other boys, to somehow match somebody else out there because I can't live like this anymore. I can't live knowing how I feel about him and knowing that I will always feel this way and that I. Can't. Be. With. Him. And what do I do about the huge weight this pushes on me? How do i drink it away or drink it hidden? It doesn't go away. And I twist myself to fit other boys and I pretend it's working, that this seeing other people is working, that I am having a good time. This morning, Foreign Guy tried to have sex with me and I don't think I've ever felt that kind of hollowness in me before. I felt so alone and not into it and I just had to get up and leave because his mouth on me was making me nauseous, because I couldn't stop thinking about RockStar Ex and where he was and what he was doing and how it would be if he was the naked one beside me. And I got up and left. Because I know, secretly, that Puzzleboy won't call me first when he comes back, I am cautious. Because I know I could like him and he could tide me over, because he could really be someone I could enjoy spending time with... God I just don't know anymore. I am cautious because I don't want to like him. Because I have not located the remains of my untrustable heart after Rock Star Ex annihilated it. I don't know where to begin looking for my heart. It sounds so fucking corny and melodramatic. I know. I don't care, though. I've become this closed-off, edgy, mean girl. And I do it to keep myself from getting hurt again, to keep men from getting to know me. And ironically, this makes me seem more attractive. I have more men orbiting around me like lonely satellites than I know what to do with. And it doesn't make me feel better. I should be grateful. I should be fucking grateful that a reformed ugly duckling like me should ever be in this position. But there is a space in my soul, there is prime real-estate space in my soul, that belongs to only him. To my Rock Star Ex. And nobody could ever move in on it. I have to keep my hands busy. I have to keep them away from the phone because I will call him and say stupid things and we'll cry and argue and sigh and have long, pregnant pauses, and I'll want him to come over and this is not happening to me. this is not who I've become. I just want to be happy. Everyone just wants to be happy. I wouldn't even care about the fact that I have $900 left in my life if he were to just come around, come around here and hold my head and run away with me. And what a way to spend Valentine's day. Gynecologist, "Boys Don't Cry," a moody Foreign Guy. I don't want him to tell me about his Valentine's day with H.H. unless it was bad. I am a terrible person for wanting their dating to fail. I am selfish. At least I acknowledge it. I want what I want and what I want is my dearest. Please don' t let me be waiting for him for much longer. I am so lost.
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