2001-02-14 :: 02:39:35

I can't even start with this right now.

I am not acknowledging what day it is because, really now, come on.

So I successfully convinced Rock Star Ex that I was pretty much done with mourning our failed/doomed/tortured relationship and that he and H.H. can go along their merry way and I don't care blah blah blah and it felt kind of good in a very demnted and pathetic way that he admitted he was a little upset by that.

But then we had a really good conversation about how our lives were like a movie and we're at the part in the movie of the "will they/won't they?" saga where the two main characters are seeing new people and the audience is like "No!! Why is she dating HIM!!! Why is he dating HER???" and we don't know the ending yet...they will either board the plane together at the end (a la "Say Anything") or go their separate ways, one of them writing "Have a nice summer" on the other's door (a la "School Daze"). His words. Not mine. But I thought it was kind of precious that he acknowledged the movie-like quality of this epic love story, and that it's not quite over yet.

I am probably delusional at this point, however.

He wants to really "make it work" with H.H., and I'm just thinking I can set an egg timer to this relationship it'll be over that fast. Or maybe I'm bitter.

Maybe I really need to come to terms with the possibility that they are perfect for each other. This, of course, would kill me right as i stand here, but it is a possiblity, however remote.

I hate her.

No reason. Other than I'm twelve years old, mentally.

I think if I can keep up the charade with him, of me acting like everythng is OK, and maybe even pretending to be more involved with Puzzleboy than I really am, one of two things will probably happen: 1) I will eventually not care so much about him anymore, or 2) he will break down in a year and come back and have the movie ending.

I am a dork. I am a major headcase, I need professional help.

Puzzleboy is off to Vegas tomorrow with his friends for some puzzle convention, I don't know, whatever, and Foreign Guy, well, he's whatever. I can't bring myself to muster any more enthusiasm over someone who's not generally enthusiastic himself.

Rock Star Ex wanted to know if I would ever consider going out with him again in the future, like two years or so, and I said i couldn't answer that but that I wasn't writing it off completely and he said "Same."

And what's to become of us? I have no patience. I don't want to wait out these next two years or whatever...I really want to know now. And I know there is no one who can help me with that, unless you can sustain telepathic powers through excessive trauma to the head or something, in which case, hey, bring it on.

I miss him but I hate him, I want him back but I want him to be the better, improved, Version 2.0 of himself. I want him to be that for me, not H.H.

I guess I can always delight in the knowledge that his extensive list of problems are now hers to deal with, but I'm still devastated, on the inside. I would never let him in on that.

God, the insanity. I never would have guessed, hanging out with him seven years ago, that this is where we'd be. To be honest, I never imagined I'd know him this long, let alone go out with him for three years, live with him for one, and still love him all along.

Someone tell me when this joke is over cause it really isn't funny anymore.

I am going to go study my stupid bartending guide.

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