2001-02-07 :: 16:50:19

No work today. Which is good. It is amazing to me how ludicrous daytime telelvision is and how mushy people's brains must get after a constant diet of the stuff.

Rock Star Ex is still M.I.A. in the styx of Pennsylvania, him, Dirty, and the crapmobile. I hope everything is okay and that he calls to tell me about it, but he will probably be making that first call to H.H. As well he should. His problems are hers now. As well as everything else.

Puzzleboy and I spent a good two hours IM';ing each other last night. Talked about lots of junk from music to sex to what movie we're seeing on Friday night. And I can't help but be a little excited, but not too much because I still have Foreign Guy in the picture. And I'm not sure I want him out of it yet, but I don't know. I'm a mess.

I also don't know if I'll be visiting Bartender at his place of work tomorrow night. I think maybe I should just let that one drop because although we had fun on Saturday, I don't think I want to make a habit of it, and rotating two guys is starting to get difficult enough as it is... I sound so gross. Listen to me. Two guys. A Bartender. I'm a mess.

The scar on my thumb from the freakish dishwashing accident is still red and blotchy and puffy, and i think this is how it's going to stay since it doesn't even hurt anymore and I can crack the knuckle now with ease.

Someone needs to buy me a CD burner so I can make mixes and get rid of my stupid tapes. Just a thought.

I should be filming more but mini DVs are $15 a pop and I so can't afford even that right now. It's sad. I will never make it to an editing class as long as I'm living like this.

Shots fired around the White House today. Who cares? And why are they interrupting "Passions" to tell me? I'm not interested, unless the President is dead, and then by all means interrupt away as I light a celebratory cig.


Though I keep saying stuff about Rock Star Ex and H.H.'s new "relationship" like "you can set an egg timer to that one," and all that, I';;m secretly scared that they'll fall in love. Is that mean? I know it's ridiculous, that's a given, but I'm so scared. Because they're both not looking for commitment and they fear marriage and babies and want to be rock stars, I think that they'll end up dating each other forever and ever.

I'm a mess.

I'm 25 and look how I'm behaving over him. Why should I care about someone who ~is~ afraid of marriage and babies? Why should I still love him this much after so many years? Because I do. I can't turn it off or make it go away. All I can hope for is that it will fade. And I still have to wait around for the fading to even begin, so I'm in it for the long haul, and there is no escaping him unless I move to Greece.

Which is looking like a possibility.

I might be moving to Greece and I think it's more like "running away," and I'll feel so cowardly if I do go and everyone talks about it when I'm gone like "Oh, she left because she was devastated over Rock Star Ex." And it wouldn't be a total lie. The only way I can force him out of my heart is to be as far away from him as physically possible, to remove all possibilities of us ever being in the same room together ever again.

And this is the saddest thought of them all. Never seeing him again. This is how ruined and trashed our relationship has become, that we can't see each other anymore.

Once we were inseparable, now this. And so it goes. Classic. I just want to look out my window one day and see him sitting on his bike, waiting for me to ride with him. Like we used. Like how it was three years ago.

I want him to come back to me for many valid reasons. But I also want him to come back to me so I can think about other things.

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