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2001-05-27 :: 5:46 p.m.
Last night, I have never been more sorrowfully bored in my whole life. Honest to God. And in Tallboy's presence I could barely contain it. This is not a very good sign. It's just that his Yale friends are kinda beat, you know? I mean, Times Square on a Saturday night is where fun goes to die. It's the last place on earth I'd rather be. And Tallboy's pants were annoying me, I can't explain why, they just looked weird and I was wishing he could just stop being weird last night because I really needed to feel grounded in some way. RSE's presence in my house the other night is all I can think about, really. Everything we talked about, important and to trivial, everything we did from singing along to the mix he made me, to watching TV... it all just made sense and fit this picture in my head of exactly where I wanted to be and with whom at this exact moment in life. And anything straying from his coolness and our coolness when we're together is just a total waste of my time. Fuck leanring experience. Anything less than true love is just not worth it. Am I totally crazy and just plain wrong for wanting to attempt another go at this relationship with RSE? Is it just pitiful? Like, do I need to be institutionalized and monitored? It's not like i don't remember the hell I went through breaking up with him. Lately, the answers to these questions become increasingly clear when I sit in jampacked restaurants with total strangers that I don't care about, or I play House of the Dead by myself, or Mystery Science Theater 3000 comes on and nobody gets why I love it so much, and just everything that's going on lately is getting to be really taxing without him around to share it with. I'm so very not making sense. It must be because I've been inhaling ground coffee beans all day. But I think I know what I'm trying to say. And that is, when he said to me, "I really want this," and I said me too, I meant me too more than I've meant it before. I meant it as "Met too and I don't want to break up with you again." And I meant it as "Me too and I miss everyone along with you." Me too and let's work on it, kid, so it won't be destroyed again. I hope that he somehow finds the faith necessary in this crazy, intense, awesome fun thing we're concocting all over again to do the right thing. And here I go again putting faith in him blindly, not knowing the outcome. I really must love that boy. Wherever you are tonight, I'm sending you some signals. Tell me if you caught them. |