07.13.05 :: 10:21 am

"it feels a little short,"
was the comment applied to my cervix yesterday during my gyno visit.

"What does that mean?"
"Well, it means that we should hold off on doing any more drastic procedures if you want to have a baby."

Oh.

So, like, basically I'm racing against cancer and my biological clock.
I'm rooting for the clock.

Ryan suggested we freeze some of my eggs, just to have, in case I can't carry a baby when we're ready.

But the thought of asking a stranger to incubate my eggs with ryan's sperm in her ute makes me want to die a million stabby deaths.

I don't know anymore. The only thing that is certain is that if I have to make a baby soon, having it in New York in our current financial state is Re.Tar.Ded.

So, options...options. Maybe Cali? Maybe Greece?

I don't know. the recurring theme.

And, also, how sad would it be if I had a baby and then died of cancer? That's so selfish of me.

I'm INSANE for thinking I can do this.

I need a double espresso.

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