10.25.07 :: 12:37 pm

In the incredibly wise and awesome words of Gob Bluth, "I've made a huge mistake."

I don't think we're a good fit, us and california.

I know, it's only been five months but you pretty much know when you know. you know?

And I'm not saying that we're picking up and leaving on the ASAPs but we're carefully thinking about our next move, literally and figuratively.

What it boils down to is this:

1) I cannot get used to all this fucking driving. there is no "try to" in this scenario. it is just a fact.

2) I don't feel a part of a community.
Which sounds so lame, but I feel completely rootless.
Without a neighborhood bodega, ATM, coffe shop... I'm nothing! Nothing without these things!

3) I miss these things being right next to each other, as well. the tightly compacted storefronts and restaurants and everything right there at my fingertips whenever I need them.

Getting into your car and driving 20 minutes to get to an ATM is so preposterous and baffling and I feel so so so lost, all the time.

4) the people.
Don't get me wrong, of the 4 or 5 that i've met here in California, all of them are stellar, fun, terrific human beings.
But again, it's a "get in your car and drive for an hour in traffic both ways" situation in order to see them and it's too taxing an endeavor. You honestly have to mentally prepare yourself to drive in this town. SO, so draining.

But everyone else I've encountered here thus far is a fucking douchelord. Douche after douche after douche. And that's just Whole Foods.

There are douches (in addition to tourists) in New York, but it's a douchiness I've come to know and love and now miss. Deeply.
Gimme a surly cab driver or screaming Korean deli owner over any of these "LA hipster" monumental twats any day.
I don't have anything in common with anyone. And it's fucking lonely.

Of course, the two things that California has going for it is the beyond phenomenal weather and the gorgeous, gorgeous beaches.

But I can live with only visiting them once in a while.

I miss New York.
I really fucking achingly debilitatingly miss Brooklyn.

But I have to stay put at Bigwig's for at least 10 more months and just save, save, save.
And then we can start packing up and leaving.

I don't know.
Maybe things will turn around in that time.

But I know myself. And I expressed this to the mister this morning and he agreed.
You can't make yourself love a place if you just don't feel it.

I hope New York will forgive me for straying. I had to do it in order to be sure of where I belong.

And I belong on the subway.
I belong walking my ass from here to there, on pre-war rooftops, stoop steps, 6th floor walk-ups, corner stores, high-rises, cobblestones, taxis, crowded filthy stinky shitty heartbreaking comforting lunatic divine new york fucking city.

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