1999-10-27 :: 11:22:53

This is absolutely ridiculous. On many a level.

I will not be made to feel bad about having second thoughts about hanging out with Rock Star Ex Boyfriend on his birthday. Clearly I should be having second thoughts because he is my EX.

But he's making me feel guilty. I am flagging him on his special day. Why does he even care? He's got two sluts hanging all over him at the same time, why does he give a shit whether or not I stop by to give him his stupid, retarded presents?

God. Once in my whole life I wanted to just find somebody to be with and have fun with and not have it turn out crooked or kill me. It is turning out crooked and it is killing me.

My Green Eyed Angel Boy seems to want to be with me and chill and hold me and look me in the eyes, and I am feeling guilty about it because of HIM. He is not allowed to do this to me. He's moved on to his sluts and I'm being a bitch if I raise questions about the morality of it, yet when I find a nice guy who is beautiful and sincere and I'm not sleeping around or leaving a trail of guys in my wake, suddenly my morals are questions. And what kind of person am I?

What kind of person misses their friend's birthday? Me. Because you are not my love anymore. And it is going to take time before I can be a friend again because I am fucking HURT, dammit. So don't tell me I am a bad person and I've put you in a bad mood, because you started it by breaking up with me in the first place.

But that is not important.

What is important is I'm going to be the better person by hanging out with him and giving him his thoughtful gifts and wishing him happiness and health and seventy more birthdays. I will smile and hug him and give him a kiss on the cheek and pour him a drink.

And then, I will go meet my Green Eyed Angel Boy and begin to comprehend the smell of a normal life.

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