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2001-03-08 :: 9:45:16 pm
We could not wait until Sunday, me and Drummer Boy. And even though he had to leave really soon to play a show in Brooklyn, he said he wanted to see me so I went to see him and what can I say that I haven't already except I really, really like him. And I got really excited climbing up his stairs and we went onto his roof and smoked some cigarettes and we kissed. A lot. Over two bowls of soup at a restaurant, he said more things to me that made me smile better than I have in months. Nose to my temple, he's the perfect size, "I love how you smell," he said. This is whirlwind, this is too much, I never feel shit this early and here I am with my insides buzzing like cheap speakers. And I'm bracing myself for the shoot-down. I hate being so awful and cynical. I hate it. I would love it if Drummer Boy and I started seeing each other exclusively, and I so want to believe him when he says he's tired of random hookups and he wants something real... but I just know how these stories end. I just know. I wind up letting the person in and he tramples all over me in the end. What is my problem? Jesus. I'm just not going to think about it. This is the most I've felt for anyone since Rock Star Ex. And I know it's too fast. Which is why I'm glad Drummer Boy doesn't want us to sleep together again until a later date, because he says he wants to do things the right way. And it all sounds like lies and lines I've heard before, but I believe him, I fucking believe him, and I don't know why and there is no reason to. But I do. If it's my downfall, I'm the only one to blame. He's the one that is getting me over Rock Star Ex, I realized. No one else in the past three months made me feel any better about our breakup. Drummer Boy does. He makes me feel like he's the reason Rock Star Ex and I broke up. So we can hang together like we are. And fuck if it doesn't feel like the best hanging out I've done in ages. I'm so ready. I want this. I'm scared of it but I want it. And I think I deserve a good thing.
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